Building Consent In: Understanding, Identifying, and Communicating Boundaries and Needs
- Dream Weaver
- Aug 3
- 4 min read
Updated: Sep 18
Building consent into our relationships, with ourselves and with others, is foundational work for our relationships with ourselves and with others. Understanding your boundaries and needs is an important part of touch, somatic, and other body-based work. It builds trust within yourself and strengthens trust with others.
What are Boundaries
Boundaries can be thought of as the edges of your comfort zone. They are the internal and external barriers needed to keep yourself safe while building connection and intimacy with others. Boundaries can be thought "the place where I can love us both." Boundaries exist in two broad categories: internal boundaries and external boundaries.
Internal Boundaries are how we relate to ourselves. The things we choose to say, give ourselves permission to think, need, want, or feel, and even the internal voice we speak with. Internal boundaries include:
Saying "no" to things that drain our energy
Recognizing when you're overloaded and making a personal change to adjust
Giving yourself permission to rest, cry, play, or ask for help
External boundaries are how we relate to and engage with others. They include the kinds of conversation, energy, touch, or emotional labor we're available for. External boundaries can shift depending on the context and relationship. It's important these are communicated with clarity and care, especially if/when they change.
Hard and Soft Limits
Consent-based spaces such a cuddle or touch therapy and kink affirming services may also use language like "limits," which refer to the activities a person is or is not willing to engage in.
Hard limits are non-negotiable. These are the firm boundaries around what you will not do or experience.
Soft limits are more flexible and include things you may be open to depending on the circumstances or that require more involved discussion.
Similar to boundaries, limits may vary depending on the relationship or your personal circumstances. They can shift and change with time as well. Understanding your boundaries and limits is an important part of feeling safe in your body and your connection with other people.
Understanding Personal Needs
Needs are the things that help us feel nourished, safe, regulated, and connected. They are not indulgences. They are essential for a healthy, connected, and joyful life. Understanding your needs can also support creating a safe and caring cuddle or rope session. Consider what needs touch or body-based work can help you meet or what you'll need to attend to before, during, and after your appointment.
Needs are the things that help us feel nourished, safe, regulated, and connected. They are not indulgences.
Physical and Medical Needs
These are the things essential to physical and medical wellbeing. Addressing basics such as food and water, medications and other healthcare considerations, temperature, body position, or mobility accommodations can increase the overall therapeutic benefits of a cuddle or rope session. As a touch worker, I support this need in the following ways:
Offering light refreshments before and after sessions
Asking about accommodations/needs throughout our time working together
Checking in during the session about physical needs and comfort
Psychological and Emotional Needs
These are the things needed for a sense of safety, connection, and belonging. It can take time to support these needs, especially if your sense of trust or safety has been harmed. I support this need in my cuddle and body-based work in the following ways:
Offering a phone call or public meet-and-greet with new clients
Applying the trauma-informed practices I learned in my advocacy and social work career
Checking in with you through the session and making adjustments to increase your sense of wellbeing
Creative and Spiritual
These are the things that connect us to bigger sense of purpose, help make purpose out of pain, and allow us to express ourselves. I support this need in the following ways:
Intention setting
Setting a soothing and connective environment
Breathwork, grounding practices, and other cultural/personal tools to support your experience
Identifying Personal Boundaries and Needs
Identifying personal boundaries and needs is the first part of a successful consent-based relationship. Some questions you can ask yourself as you begin this process are:
What type of touch feels good to me (for example: light or hard pressure, preference/dislike of certain fabrics)?
What level of conversation do I want, and are there any topics I don't want to discuss?
Do I have any medical and/or mental health considerations? Do any of these need to be communicated to my partner to support a safe and healthy environment?
Boundaries and needs often shift over time, and may even shift on a day-to-day basis depending on the context. One type of touch or cuddle position may feel good one day, but an injury or discomfort may make it inaccessible at another session. These changes are okay and to be expected. Stay connected with your shifting boundaries and needs so you can communicate any changes with your Cuddlist (or partner) as needed.
Communicating Boundaries and Needs for a Mutual Agreement
Identifying your boundaries is only part of the ongoing process of consent communication. Once you've identified the boundaries and needs you have for a supportive experience, it's time to communicate them. Not all boundaries and needs may need to be communicated. It's your decision on what information is important for your Cuddlist and what level of detail you want to provide. Communicating a boundary or need can be as simple as the following examples:
"I'd like to use positions that let me lay on my back with a pillow underneath. It alleviates pain and pressure for me."
"May I have a glass of water in easy reach during our session?"
"I have hearing loss in my left ear, please direct communication at my right ear."
"I need to keep my ringer on in case my children call. I set it to a low tone but wanted to let you know at the start of our session."
Take time to reflect on your boundaries and needs at the start of each session. Allow these to be the guardrails that create a safe, supportive, and connective experience for you.
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