Lessons on Intimacy: What Cuddle and Touch Work Teaches Me

Dream Weaver
Sep 9
4 min read

Updated: Sep 18

Couple relaxing on a white hammock in a garden. Both wear "Fit Foodie" shirts. They smile warmly, surrounded by green foliage and a wooden fence.

When people hear the word intimacy the often think of sex, chemistry, or intense emotional connection. This misconception is understandable in a world that often inflates intimacy with sexual attraction and activity. While the two can and often do overlap, intimacy is something far more steady and nourishing than sexual attraction or activity alone. Intimacy is a practice of attunement. The ability to be fully present with yourself while also being open and responsive to another. It isn't intensity, drama, or performance. It isn't even necessarily about romance or attraction. It's a tender thread of deep presence, acceptance, and trust.

In my work as a cuddle therapist, intimacy is something that comes up both as a point of conversation for my clients, but also an experience I hold space for. This blogs explores the things I've learned about intimacy through this work, and the questions I continue to ask on my own journey.

What is and isn't intimacy?

Intimacy isn't limited to romantic or sexual relationships. It's woven into many different types of relationships. The unique rapport between a doctor and patient, pastor and their congregation, and parent and child are all examples of intimate relationships that have nothing to do with romance or sex. Intimacy is an important part of the human experience. One study published by the National Institute for Health found that intimacy shapes identity development, even for adults, and that it's been identified as a key factor of relationship satisfaction.

Family Relationships

Family relationship foster intimacy through shared history, experiences, and time. Showing up for each other day after day requires deep commitment, reliability, and trust. For better or worse, these relationships uniquely shape our sense of identity and how we relate to others.

Platonic Relationships

Platonic relationships are deep, non-romantic relationships that develop from mutual interests, shared experiences, and deep conversations. These relationships provide space for confiding in each other, mutual support, and sharing in the joys and sorrows of life together. They foster a deep sense of knowing, acceptance, and trust through the shared interests, passions, and love for life. These relationships may or may not include physical affection, deep commitments, and even long-term expectations or responsibilities to each other.

Professional & Therapeutic Relationships

Therapeutic relationships, such as doctors or spiritual counselors, create a deep sense of safety, acceptance, and trust. These care providers may know things about us that no other relationships does, allowing for a higher level of openness and caring for ourselves in return. An analysis of professional intimacy found that intimacy not only increased professional satisfaction among nurses, but promoted optimal outcomes among patients too. While a single study can't speak for the experience of all working professionals, a collection of studies does indicate intimacy is important for providers and those they serve.

Romantic Relationships

These are relationships where intimacy and sex may overlap. There's nuance in these relationships as romantic and sexual orientation exist on a spectrum, and intimacy can still occur in the absence of either of these while not fitting a traditional relationship paradigm.

While intimacy and sexual and/or romantic relationships often overlap, romantic or sexual interest isn't a requirement for intimacy.

This is only a handful of the types of intimate relationships people experience. Intimate relationships can occur in online spaces, activist spaces, and other community settings.

Conditions needed for intimacy

Intimacy takes time to develop. It occurs with consistent experiences of safety, connection, mutual care, and vulnerability. It honors a slower pace, allowing nervous systems to (co)-regulate and expand in ways that feel secure. Some of the relational conditions needed to facilitate intimacy include:

Foster Safety and Trust

True intimacy requires a sense of safety and security to develop. Safety and trust develop when there's clear and honest communication, consent, respect for boundaries and limits, consistency between what we say and do, and mutual respect.

Consent and Communication

Consent is foundational for clear and honest communication to occur. Consent is an ongoing conversation on limits, boundaries, interests, and needs. Consent and clear communication allow people to make informed and intentional decisions in relationships, fostering a deeper sense of safety and intimacy in return.

Caring for intimate relationships

Intimate relationships are living energies, and like any living thing they require care and nurturance. Intentionality can support creating the conditions needed to support the continued maintenance of intimate relationships, no matter how un-romantic it may be.

Living Agreement

Relationships aren't fixed. They evolve as the individuals in the relationship go through life. Living agreements are ways of understanding key elements of the relationship. These include questions like:

Who are we to each other?
What responsibilities do we have to this relationship?
What do we do if one of wants to change something the relationship?

Regular Check-Ins

Regular check-ins provide opportunities to address small problems before they become big problems. People can review their agreement, make changes as needed, and be intentional about decisions to escalate, de-escalate, or end relationships.

Balancing Connection and Autonomy

Healthy intimacy allows closeness and space. It requires the ability to step back without losing or fearing the loss of connection. It's also the bridge to asking for help when it's needed. Creating relational practices that allow you to honor your autonomy foster continued connection in relationships.

Final Thoughts

Intimate relationships of all kinds are an important part of our wellbeing. They're so critical they even contribute to shaping our sense of self. Taking the time to explore what you value, need, and want in an intimate relationship equips you to recognize it when it's in front of you, and to engage in developing it with care and intentionality. Intimate relationships are a common topic of conversation in my work as a cuddle and energy worker. In addition to the intimate nature of my work, clients often have wounds around intimate relationships they're looking to heal. Cuddle therapy can be a part of that healing process. Schedule an introduction call to see if cuddle therapy is a fit for you.

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