Connection-Based Medicine: The Antidote to Internalized Shame

Dream Weaver
Sep 2
4 min read

Updated: Sep 18

Internalized shame is a quietly pervasive force. It's the belief that something is irrevocably wrong with us. That our nature is unlovable or unworthy. Shame can become an internal architecture shaping our self-image, boundaries, and relationships. For people with trauma histories, shame can also wear the mask of survival. We learn to make ourselves quieter, calmer, smaller. Someone "more acceptable." Someone that may be able to help us survive the external and internal threats to our emotional and psychological well-being. Internalized shame becomes a barrier preventing us from knowing our authentic selves and from being able to connect with other people in deep, loving, and healing ways.

Shame is a deeply lonely experience, and that's precisely why connection-based medicine is the antidote to it.

What is Connection-Based Medicine

Connection-based medicine is a healing philosophy of relational presence. It's not about diagnosing, pathologizing, or even "fixing" an issue. It's first and foremost about attuning to the needs of another and providing the nourishment they need to feel safe, accepted, and valued. Connection-based medicine is a practice that can applied in traditional Western medicine, mental health work, and non-traditional forms of care such as spirituality, touch and body work, and community building.

This is a practice I developed in my own work as a domestic and sexual violence advocate. I worked in systems that often didn't have easily solutions, and for too frequently caused further harm to survivors, their families, and their communities. Empathy, relationship building, perspective taking, and curiosity were crucial skills in gaining an accurate understanding of a victim's risk profile, priority and long-term needs, and available resources. Without these skills, survivors wouldn't feel safe enough to disclose painful and traumatic experiences or to reach out to services they had little confidence or hope in. Beyond the primary survivor, a connection-based approach to advocacy enabled me to also develop the capacity of helping professionals to respond more effectively. I worked in systems built on hierarchy and that used tools of coercive control, shame, and even violence to teach, manage, and lead. A connection-based approach showed my colleagues there were other ways to do their work, and that these could actually yield better outcomes because these practices were designed to cultivate safety, respect, and trust as the primary currency with communities.

Energy and Body Work as Connection-Based Medicine

Every interaction at Sacred Touch is an invitation into connection-based care. From the process of scheduling your first appointment to aftercare and check-ins is designed to support genuine connection and relationship building. I take the extra time to understand who you are as a person and how I can support you in feeling as safe, connected, and relaxed in your experience as possible. Through these relational interactions, your body has the opportunity to rewire your nervous system. Consent check-ins and ongoing consent conversations teaches your body to soften into dialogue about boundaries, desires, and limits rather than experience them as a source of anxiety. I cultivate a grounding and soothing environment with music, candles, blankets and cushions, and light refreshments so all your senses can be soothed. Connecting through platonic physical touch reinforces that touch can be safe and pleasurable in its own right. As a kink-affirming practitioner, I also create space for you to bring your whole self. To ask vulnerable questions, share your desires, and explore ways for you to connect more deeply with yourself.

Making Your Own Medicine

Making your own medicine allows you to bring this philosophy into your life in any way you choose. Identify the pain points you're carrying and which ones you feel ready to release. Spend time reflecting on what soothes the pain. You can do this through a journaling practice, by cultivating ritual, with meditation, or even through prayer. As shame points emerge, greet them with curiosity and gentleness. Remember that they developed to protect you and explore what insights they may have to offer before releasing them. Practicing saying what you want these shame points to be replaced with. Write them down and post them as reminders of what you're working toward in your home. Visualize what it will be like when these new experiences arrive for you. Then, when you're ready, find and connect with the people you want to share these new parts of yourself with. Give yourself patience and grace as you learn to move with your new self, and allow yourself to grieve the losses that may come with them.

Final Thoughts

Shame thrives in the shadows. When it's unseen and unnamed, it's powerful. Connection wants clarity. Something we develop as we heal the shame points in ourselves. Connection-based medicine is a powerful tool for facilitating this process and guiding people through the profound changes that occur on this journey. And it's available to us whenever we want it.

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